Choice Cuts 16

HUGH GREEN WAS MY VALET. Newsletter No. 60, 10th Oct 1976

And now, to continue our epic saga, we bring you the autobiographical account of the man who once employed the host of "Opportunity Knocks" to press his trousers. Yes, it's

HUGH GREEN WAS MY VALET

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Author's Note:-

Part 2

I have received many comments on my first piece on the Easter Rugby Tour, and I would like to take this opportunity of pointing out that the published version owes as much to Mike Godden's legendary use of the red pencil as to my own lesser literary skills. So don't blame me for all of it.

Malcolm Pepys

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Now to business.

Before launching into this months instalment of the Rugby Tour Story, I would like to correct an inaccuracy which appeared through my own fault in the first edition. It was not Blair Dunlop who started the rumour of the availability of food at 1 o'clock in the morning. In fact I've been informed that Blair was himself a victim, and not only did he dress before descending to the promised food (unlike some others) but he also made two trips, the second being in order to obtain some money to pay for the non-existent sandwiches. I deliberately changed the name of the perpetrator of the rumour in order to protect the innocent - if Dick Pooley can be called innocent. I will merely say that the rumour was apparently started shortly after Dick was ejected by the landlord from the wine cellar. Having straightened that out, read on...

In the morning, inspired again by hunger, everybody was in the dining room at 8.30 a.m. in time for breakfast.

After a quiet morning, during which the rule had been made by the (non-playing) captain that no players should drink before a game, we set off for our second game, at Lydney. We were joined there not only by Bert, who had arranged to spend Easter in his home county and then helped arrange a tour coincidently to precisely that area, but also by John Clarke who was very attractively accompanied.

The game was a rather scrappy affair, but the resulting win by 16 points to 6 heralded an evening which will be remembered for some years to come. For the record Graham James scored at least one try and I think Keith got a couple of conversions.

With the beer flowing freely (too freely in fact Bert with characteristic generosity bought a jug for the opposition and then gave it to the wrong team), the singing was soon under way only to be halted abruptly by the appearance of plates of elvers. Elvers, if you didn't already know, are baby eels and they are supposed to be eaten in vast quantities. To demonstrate their efficacy, Bert ate 2 platefuls and then ran around the pitch twice to the delight and cheers of all in the clubhouse. Mr. Roscoe remained unconvinced and even now will go pale at the very mention of this traditional Gloucester delicacy. Others tried them with differing opinions as to their taste and appearance but the well-known song writing team of Morrison and McLaughlin found themselves inspired to compose what was to become the tour song. The words are simple, and the tune frankly boring, but the combination of the two proved devastating. The song has been sung frequently since, but in mixed company the words are altered out of respect for the sex whose anatomy inspired the original.

Having been told that the Hotel was catering for a wedding party that evening, but that we were welcome to join in, when the bar closed at Lydney we adjourned to the Hotel. To say that some members of the party were a little boisterous is an understatement. The continued singing of the Morrison/McLaughlin masterpiece (in its original form) coupled with a fracas at the rear of the coach involving mainly "injured" players prompted the driver to make the journey back in about one third of the time taken to get there.

Unfortunately the bride and groom had by this time departed thus thwarting "Rompers" McClelland's ambitions which were directed mainly towards the bride."

Having been deprived of alcohol for at least twenty minutes some topping up was necessary before singing could resume and it was during this period that Dave Pullan first made the acquaintance of the lady known as Horse's Neck. Quite how this name arose I don't know, but the visual effect of this representative of the opposite sex was such that given the option between her and a camel, there are those who expressed some doubt as to their final choice. Not so Dave, who struck up a rewarding friendship.

We next pick up the story when "Stack" Jackson, having finished communing with the locals, decided to go to bed. Fate in the form of Keith Westray had decreed that he was sharing a room with - you've guessed it - Dave Pullan. When he opened the door of their shared abode he was confronted by Dave and "Horse's Neck" in what is sometimes referred to as 'a compromising position'. Unperturbed, as befits one with a Grammar School education, Stack proceeded to prepare himself for his repose. Dave, meanwhile, with characteristic aplomb, "adjusted his dress" before leaving, with partner.

Unfortunately, they did not make their escape unnoticed by the 17th/21st St. Nicholas Commando regiment, who tracked them assiduously to the car park of the Hotel. There they espied Dave who was chivalrously attempting to protect Horse's Neck from the rigours of the night air by interposing her between himself and the recently warmed bonnet of a convenient Escort.

Suddenly the car park was mysteriously bathed in light, and Horse's Neck, who obviously wasn't paying attention at the time, spotted the faces of the commando party over the wall and she and Dave left in the direction of Whitchurch somewhat lacking in gruntle. Next morning, we were regaled with tales the unenlightened Editor of this journal would not see fit to print. Suffice it to say that considering the amount of alcohol Dave had consumed it is difficult to imagine how such feats of endurance as were described could be accomplished.

Meanwhile, as they say in all the best TV programmes, in the bar the drinking and singing continued to such an extent that Rompers McClelland had decided that he was fed up with standing, so he quietly assumed the horizontal. The more responsible amongst us decided that they ought to look after the youngest member of the tour party and carried him off to bed. What has this got to do with anything you may well ask. Surely this lack of control over the legs was a fairly common occurrence. Quite right, however, when the evenings entertainment was over there arose a slight problem. You will doubtless recall that the Stalwart of the 2nd XV, with friend, had arrived at Lydney to watch the game. We were still honoured with their presence, but by now car if they saw one let alone successfully neither was in any condition to recognize a navigate the way home. The solution to this problem lay in Rompers' apparent denial of the existence of the rest of the world and his room-mate's willingness to forsake his bed for the night in favour of J.C. + 1. An eminently practical arrangement. Next morning, however, Rompers claimed his insensibility had been purely temporary, which had meant that his education in certain aspects of Human Relations had advanced by several years.

Malcolm Parish.